Loonie Campaign

Socialism here we come
on the road to perdition
life will never be the same
socialism here we come.

My Fellow Compatriots,

Our opponents in this bitter campaign have savagely attacked our grand plan for a LOOPIER America. They say the Loonie Overall Opportunity Plan for Inclusive Economic Recovery will cost too much money. As if their “golden parachute” plan to bail out the richest of the rich won’t cost a lot of money. As if their “universal health rationing” program won’t put enormous windfall profits into the already Monolithic Insurance Industry. As if their convoluted morass of bureaucratic buffoonery masquerading as education financing isn’t ridiculously expensive, time-consuming, and patently unfair, to boot. Who are they to talk about “scattering money into the wind like it’s so much confetti?” For decades they’ve been burning it like cordwood to stoke the fires of their solid gold, gem encrusted, fiscal fleecing machine of insatiable greed.

Puts me in mind of a story from my youth.

Once upon a time, a long time ago; when a chocolate bar was only a nickel, a fin was a lot of money, and a double sawbuck was a veritable fortune; back when I was just a little Loonie; I had a friend named Myron Corkwhistle.

Myron was a not-quite-poor kid who was always dreaming of strikin’ it rich. Always lookin’ for the big score, it’s all he ever talked about. After he heard the legend of “Mad” Henry and his buried treasure, he wasted most of a summer out at the old abandoned Stoat property, digging holes. He found some old horseshoes and nails and junk, and once he even found a nickel, but he never found any of old Henry Stoat’s gold. I doubt there ever was any.

So anyway, when it came time for Myron’s confirmation, it just so happens that his birthday fell on the same day. And what with aunts and uncles and such, Myron raked in a whopping $23.

“I’m rich,” he told me later. “You know what I’m gonna do? I’m gonna get me a twenty dollar bill.”

“Know what else I’m gonna do? Next Saturday I’m gonna take you to the movies.”

So the next Saturday, just as we’re about to enter the theatre, Myron says “Wait a ’sec. I still gotta get my double sawbuck. You go in and get us some good seats, I’ll be back in a minute.

Thirty minutes later, just as the feature was starting, Myron came running in, found me, and before he even sat sat down whispered, “I’m gonna be rich.”

“Whatta you talkin’ about?” I hissed back.

“I’ll tell ya later,” he said.

Oh was he excited. He was so charged up he was shakin’ and ashiverin’ like he was freezin’ to death.

“You alright?” I asked.

“Yeah. Watch the movie,” was all he said.

When the movie was over, I asked him what happened.

“It’s gotta be a secret,” Myron told me. “Let’s get some sodas and go out to the Ramparts. I’ll show you there.”

The Ramparts was what we called the ramshackle little fort we built on the bluff overlooking Caterwaul Creek. When we got there, Myron took something from his pocket and set it on a boulder we used as a table.

“Whutcha make o’ that?” he asked.

Before me was a small wooden box, no more than four inches wide and eight inches long. It had a couple slots in the top, one near each end, and the top was fastened down with four small screws at each corner. Sticking out the side was a small crank.

“What is it?” I asked. “A jack-in-the-box?”

“No, you smart aleck. It’s a money machine.”

“Whattaya mean, a money machine?

“I mean, “he said slowly, “it’s a machine, that makes money. Five dollar bills to be exact.”

Now when it come to brains, Myron wasn’t exactly on top o’ the food chain, if you know what I mean; but he wasn’t completely stupid.

“You’re crazy,” I yelped. “That silly little box can’t make money.”

“Yes it can,” he argued. “I saw it work.”

“Where’d you get it?”

Myron then told me how he’d gone to two places trying to get a twenty when a clerk at the five & dime suggested he try the pool hall. So he went in there and got the crispest, almost newest, twenty dollar bill Manny had in the drawer. As he was leaving the building, a fellow who’d apparently just been hangin’ around came up to him.

“Hey kid,” he says. “How’d you like to make $20 month for the rest of your life?”

“Sure,” said Myron, “but I ain’t gonna rob no banks, and I sure ain’t gonna kill anyone.”

“Nothin’ like that,” the guy says. “You look like a smart kid. I’ve got a little business proposition for ya.”

So they go around back by the coal chute, and this fella shows Myron the box. He tells him that it prints absolutely authentic, hundred percent real, five dollar bills. Then he says he’ll sell it to Myron. Seems he got into a game with some tough cookies and he owes one of them $25. If he don’t have it tonight, he’s in big trouble.

“So you bought it?” I interrupted. “Buddy, I think you’ve been taken in by the flim flam man.”

“No, it really works,” Myron insisted.

“Then why didn’t he just print up $25 and pay the creep?”

“See, that’s the thing,” explained Myron. “That’s why I can only use it to make $20 a month, and why he couldn’t use it to pay his gambling debt. The guy said you have to wait a whole, entire week between uses. That’s how long it takes the frammerstam to recombobulate.”

Myron then told this fella that he’d like to help him out but he didn’t have $25.

“Ya got twenty?”

“Yeah.”

“Then you’re in luck,” he says. “I’ll print a fin, show ya how it’s done, then with that and your double sawbuck I can get this guy off my back.”

And so he did. Myron was so impressed he whipped out his twenty.

“I feel kinda bad about this,” Myron groaned. “What’re you going to do without your money machine?”

“I appreciate the concern, kid,” the man smiled at Myron. “But don’t you worry about me. I’ve got another one at home that prints sawbucks. I just can’t use it yet ’cause I used it during the game the other night. — Lost my stake. Took a break to print a tenspot. Then, holding a full house, got myself $35 into a nice hot pot. Four treys took it home. I think I got cheated.”

“So you gave this guy your crisp, new, first-time-ever, twenty dollar bill for that little wooden box?” I asked.

“Yep,” Myron beamed, “but I’ll make that back in a month. Then I’m on easy street.”

Myron explained to me how you cut a piece of paper to the exact size of a five dollar bill, stick the end into one of the slots, then turn the crank. The blank paper goes in one end and out the other comes a perfect fin.

“Let’s try it,” I said.

“Can’t,” he spat. “Gotta wait a week.”

“I have an idea,” I spat back. “Let’s get a screwdriver and take it apart.”

“Oh no, we can’t do that,” he gasped. “That’s the second rule. I can’t take it apart. He told me the mechanism is so intricately crafted that even just loosening one screw could ruin it forever.”

“Are there any other rules?”

“Just one,” said Myron. “I have to use good bond paper, no cheap notebook or newsprint type stuff.”

So we agreed to meet back at the Ramparts a week later.

Oh Oh.

Friends, my sincerest, heartfelt apologies. Seems this ol’ windbag got to ramblin’ on with his reminiscences and plumb lost all track of time. I’m truly sorry, but I have to cut this story short.

Now of course, as you all certainly know, Myron Corkwhistle’s little wooden box didn’t print any five dollar bills. After more than a month of trying, we finally took it apart. The mechanism was just a set of rollers attached to the crank. It pulled one piece of paper in one slot and shoved another piece of paper out the other slot. The only way to crank out a fiver is to first crank one in. My buddy Myron had indeed been taken in by the flim flam man.

And so have we been taken in by the flim flam man. Those Dysfunctional and Reprehensible power-brokers have been conning us for years. Myron was taken in by a money machine that doesn’t work. We’ve been taken in by one that does. My opponents say our plans to ring in a new age of wealth and prosperity will cost too much money. They’re full of enough balderdash to make even P.T. Barnum blush. What they don’t reckon on is the fact that I know what they know, and we’ll be fooled no longer.

Myron’s money machine didn’t work. But I know who has one that does. The United States Treasury, that’s who.

Those hucksters have had control of the money machine long enough. They gleefully print, with gay abandon, bushels and bushels of money, just to fill the coffers of the high muckety-mucks deemed worthy of their blessings.

NO MORE! Our time has come!

When I’m elected president, the money we print will go where it rightfully belongs. To you, the hard-working, long-suffering backbone of this great nation.

So vote for me, Senator Raymond V. Loonie, to be your next president.

≈

A Loonie vote is the money vote

Socialism here we come
on the road to perdition
life will never be the same
socialism here we come.

My fellow compatriots,

Throughout the long history of mankind, there has always been those who “have” and those who “have not.” This will always be so. But never before has it been so right to say “this is so wrong.”

The power-elite has held sway long enough. They like to be among the small minority that “have.” Then they can lord-it over the rest of us who “have not.” It’s time to set their tipsy topsy turvy world aright. When we’re through, there’ll be a lot of “haves” and very few “have nots.”

Over the last few weeks I’ve unleashed the first three parts of the Loonie Overall Opportunity Plan for Inclusive Economic Recovery. With HOPE, everyone has a place to call home. Through FAITH, we heal the sick and mend the broken. And LOVE…, LOVE will let us soar to ever greater heights of knowledge and understanding.

These are the buttresses of our economic future, designed to strengthen and support from the ground up. In the LOOPIER fourth part of our blueprint, we make sure we’re building on solid ground.

The foundation of any economy is the average people who do the daily chores, buy the daily bread. My friends, you are the ground upon which our economy grows. Unfortunately, right now that ground is weak. Not that it’s your fault. No, my friends, you are hard-working, industrious and productive people. It’s those better-than-thou elitists who constantly leach the soil of its strength and vigor. They’ll suck you dry to feed their own insatiable appetites.

Well I for one have had enough. We’re going to have an economic recovery built upon a firm and steady foundation. I know we can do this because you, my friends, will be that foundation. With implementation of the Worker’s Income Security and Equity act, you, the hard-working citizens of this great nation, will be as solid as bedrock.

For decades now, the powers-that-be have made lots of promises that never quite seem to come through. They promise more jobs, but where are they. They create a laughable minimum wage, then let it languish. An economy thrives on people making and doing things that others want, as long as they also have the means to acquire things they want from others. Our economy now struggles because the minority elite sucks-up so much for itself, we the people can barely pay the bills, much less spend enough to maintain a vigorous economy.

To correct this injustice, the WISE act will do two things:

1. Create jobs.

There’s a lot of work to do. Why don’t we do it. The first three parts of LOOPIER will, on their own, create countless job opportunities in housing, healthcare, and education. Along with that, we’ll convert Americorps into an actual jobs program, paying actual money. My opponents have suggested raising the number of applicants Americorps will accept from the current 75,000 to a couple hundred thousand. As usual, they want to appear beneficent while not really doing anything for you.

They never really do anything for you. They only do it to you.

I intend to remove the hiring limits on the new Americorps. If people want to work, and can’t find it elsewhere, we’ll put them to work. Like I said, there’s plenty to do, and just about everyone can do something.

2. Raise the minimum wage to a liveable level, with annual adjustments for inflation.

What good is a job if it doesn’t get you out of poverty. No wonder so many people aren’t working. I’m surprised there aren’t more. My calculations put the current minimum liveable wage at just about $30,000 a year. That means the minimum wage should be at least $15 an hour. If we get everybody working and making at least a liveable wage, we’ll all have the means to buy things from each other and keep this economy humming along like a finely tuned watch.

Of course, there will always be a few who either can’t or won’t work. For them, if nothing else, there is still FAITH, HOPE, LOVE…, and Free Lunch.

So there you have it folks. When it comes to comprehensive economic recovery, there’s no better plan than the LOOPIER plan. After I become president, we’ll once again be able to boast the brightest, healthiest, weathiest, and most productive populace on the planet.

So vote for me, Senator Raymond V. Loonie, to be your next president.

≈

A Loonie vote is a WISE vote

Socialism here we come
on the road to perdition
life will never be the same
socialism here we come.

My fellow compatriots,

Far too long now we’ve been under the thumbs of Reprehensible and Dysfunctional politicians. To them, we’re nothing but a bunch of buttons to push. Most of the time, when not pushing buttons, they’re plotting and scheming, thinking up more ways to rob us; and cooking up sweetheart deals with the big guns on Wall Street. Their idea of economic stimulus is to drop a bunch of money on the sheep rancher so he can get bigger better, more efficient sheep-shearing equipment. At the same time, they ship a box of sugar cubes to keep the sheep happy while being fleeced.

My friends, do you like being sheep…? I don’t!

We need a change. We are not just in a race for the presidency. We are in an epic struggle for control of our destiny. My Reprehensible and Dysfunctional opponents in this campaign represent the status quo. Those two parties have been in control for 150 years, and what have we got? Strife and discord. Anger and resentment. Greed and corruption. All the result of an infinity of failed policies.

And yet, over the years we have progressed. We’ve moved far forward in both thought and deed. We’ve come from a time of raw subsistence into the land of milk and honey. We’ve done this, not because of any “political” leadership. We’ve done this; the great people of this great land have done this, despite the blundering, self-serving leadership of both parties.

Now they’re trying to deal with their self-created, teetering economy by doing what they always do; plotting together with all their rich “financial genius” buddies to concoct another scheme to hold each other up at the top.

Enough is enough. What we really need to do is reinforce this economy at the bottom. To me that means schoolin’.

Now I look around me and I see a vibrant frenzy of activity. We’ve got widgets and gadgets, gizmos and doodads that do all sorts of things. People all over the place are zippin’ around doin’ all kinds of interesting and silly stuff. We’ve found more ways to make and spend money than our forebearers could ever have possibly imagined. How, I ask, can an economy this exuberant be foundering?

Shoddy workmanship.

For generations, the “ruling class” has been building the education system we have today. From the beginning it provided them, the cultural elite, a means of holding on to their wealth and power. While they send their kids to the Ivy League, your kid’s lucky if he makes it to the bush leagues. While their kids hobnob with the sons and daughters of the already rich and powerful, your kid shares a room with Garth Algar. These snob-school elites develop connections that last lifetimes. Through these connections they are always confident of keeping the “right crowd” in positions of power and influence.

Now those of us in the “wrong crowd,” we understand that the future will be carried on the backs of our children. Left in power, the “right crowd” will give them such a burden they will surely collapse under the load. We need to give our kid’s some help. We need to educate our youth. Over the last several decades, the incorrigibles in power have made many loud noises about how they want everyone to get a good education. Year after year they tell us the education system is unfair but they can improve it. Decade after decade, their improvements have only made things more confusing, more expensive, and even more unfair.

Friends, we’re gonna fix this. We’re going to destroy the elite’s power-grip and give everyone a chance to rise and prosper.

With part three of our Loonie Overall Opportunity Plan for Inclusive Economic Recovery, we’re gonna make it so anyone can go to just about any secondary school they want. We’re going to buttress our economic base with Learning Opportunities to Validate Everyone.

A bright future needs bright people. To get bright people, we’ll create incentives to encourage our children to finish high school and then go further. One big incentive will be the promise, to all high school graduates, that you can go to any school for which you academically qualify. You won’t have to do anything to financially qualify. LOVE will take care of that.

We also understand that a university education is not for everyone. Those seeking other educational opportunities will be equally encouraged and supported. After all, while on the one hand we will soon have a critical need for more educators and healthcare professionals, we still need painters and plumbers, linemen and lumberjacks.

The LOVE program won’t really change the way we pay for college, trade, or any other school. You’ll still have to pay for tuition, buy books and computers, cover basic living expenses. The difference is, we’re going to eliminate all the confusing, time-wasting, grant, aid and loan programs that now abound, and replace them with a simple, boilerplate contract. No matter who you are, you can either pay for everything out of pocket, or you can sign the LOVE contract.

Just as they do now, schools will still set their own academic standards. But if you qualify, the LOVE contract allows you, at government expense, to go to any school you want, whether it be Harvard University, Clabber Falls Community College, or Betty’s Beauty School. You won’t have to worry about anything but getting a good education. You won’t even have to think about paying it back. LOVE will take care of that, too.

LOVE will pay all your tuition and necessary expenses for up to eight, in special cases, ten years. Six months after you leave school, the IRS will begin withholding five percent of your gross income to pay for your education. Under the contract, you authorize four years IRS withholding for every year you were in school, not to exceed thirty years. No matter how much or how little you make, you’re not going to miss five percent. If the education helps you get rich, you’ll wind up paying quite a bit for that education, but it’ll still be worth it. Won’t it?

Detractors of this program claim it will be impossibly expensive (as if what we have now isn’t already impossibly expensive). They really don’t understand LOVE. Sure, at first it will be expensive. It’ll be all government payout with nothing coming back. Within a few years, however, the return flow will begin to grow. We expect that very soon it will be a self-sustaining, revenue-producing, economy-enhancing, people-pleasing success.

As your next president, I intend to see the United States of America back on top. By spreading the LOVE around, we’ll once again be able to boast of having the most highly educated and productive people in the world.

So vote for me, Senator Raymond V. Loonie, to be your next president.

≈

A Loonie vote is a vote for LOVE

Socialism here we come
on the road to perdition
life will never be the same
socialism here we come.

My fellow compatriots,

The issue before us today is nothing less than the health, and wealth of a nation, our nation. To be wealthy we must be productive. To be productive we must be strong. To be strong we must be healthy. To be healthy we must have good medical care. In this we are failing.

It’s not that we don’t have good medical care. We have excellent medical care, and it just gets better every year. We have the means to provide the best medical care in the world, and yet we have a “Health Care Crisis.” This is not a crisis of quality. It is a crisis of cost. Year after year, the cost of health care coverage soars ever higher. Every year, more and more hard-working people get priced out of the market. Meanwhile, the insurance companies and their fatcat executives post huge earnings and reap exorbitant bonuses. This is not right.

Lucky for us, my friends, I have a plan that will fix their wagons. We’re going to do what should have been done long ago. We’re going to eliminate the middle-man and make the best medical care in the world affordable for everyone.

In part two of the Loonie Overall Opportunity Plan for Inclusive Economic Recovery, we will create the Full Access Insuring Total Health program. The FAITH program will be another vital tool in our struggle to restore and maintain the physical and economic health of this great land and it’s people.

Here’s how it will work:

1. Medical and health research and development funding will be increased dramatically, fueling the economy while improving our health care capabilities.

2. Health insurance will be effectively eliminated. Everyone will have to pay their own bill, but the bill will be scaled to their ability to pay. The exact formulas have yet to be worked out, but will be simple and based on a persons income or net worth. For most people, you should never have to pay more than an hour’s pay for an hour of medical care. The wealthy will pay more, but no more than they can afford.

3. A new agency, the Medical Accounting Office, will be created. MAO will compile and organize all available health-related information, become the clearing-house for all health and medicine related knowledge, and oversee the cost/price control, revenue distribution structure established by the FAITH program. This will result in a remarkably efficient and affordable health care system.

Let’s suppose your kid breaks an arm. You go to the hospital, it gets fixed. With follow-up visits, medical treatment time comes to eight hours. If you make 20 dollars an hour, you’ll pay 160 dollars. If you make 200 dollars an hour, you might pay 4800 dollars. This pricing structure will give everyone the opportunity to see a health care provider anytime they feel the need. They need never again say “I can’t afford it.”

At this point, I’m sure some of you are thinking, this will either bankrupt the medical industry, or at least create gross inequities. Wrong.

One of the primary responsibilities of the Medical Accounting Office will be to monitor all health care, and establish an actual cost for all practices and procedures. It will determine the actual earned revenues for each health care facility based on services provided and procedures performed. Facilities that bring in more money than they actually earn will forfeit these excess profits. Facilities that bring in less will be augmented. In the end, all will receive a fair return for the services they provide.

Think of it friends, a healthy nation, healthy people, and think of all the jobs this will create for those out-of-work insurance people. We’re going to need doctors, nurses, technicians and orderlies like never before. It is truly a glorious future before us if we only grasp the opportunities we have here and now.

So vote for me, Senator Raymond V. Loonie, to be your next president.

≈

A Loonie vote is a vote for FAITH

WHOZIT Magazine
The Loonie Brother: A conversation with Sylvester E Loonie
by Tanya Fauxe
(Excerpt)

Tanya: To what do you owe your brother’s success thus far in the campaign?

Syl: He’s a Loonie.

Tanya: So are you.

Syl: He’s a Real Loonie.

Tanya: Aren’t you a real Loonie?

Syl: Not a Real Loonie. I’m a Loonie, but a Lesser Loonie.

Tanya: Do you think Ray, your brother, can win?

Syl: Yes

Tanya: Why?

Syl: He’s a Loonie.

Tanya: Why should that make a difference?

Syl: We Loonies come from a long line of distinguished, influential Loonies. There have always been Loonie leaders. We view public service as a Loonie obligation; the welfare of the people a Loonie responsibility. I believe people are ready, even eager, to elect a Loonie president.

Tanya: Your brother’s campaign platform contains some very progressive elements. Where does he get these ideas?

Syl: As long as there have been Loonies, Loonies have been politically and socially progressive. Loonies believe government should be compassionate. We Loonies have always felt that government should do everything it can to benefit the people. In fact, I believe most of the people-friendly aspects of modern governance that we take for granted today, were from the very start Loonie ideas.

Tanya: So let me get this straight. Ray’s plans and ideas for a better tomorrow are inherently Loonie?

Syl: Right. Real Loonies are visionaries, far ahead of their time. Ray is taking the big leap, carrying long-held Loonie ideals forward to their logical conclusion.

Tanya: So Ray is a Real Loonie?

Syl: Actually, I think he’s an Exceptional Loonie.

Tanya: Why do you say that?

Syl: Ray reminds me of our great-great grandfather, the great-great statesman Thoreau Lee Loonie. He was an Exceptional Loonie.

Tanya: What qualifies one as an Exceptional Loonie?

Syl: A Real Loonie is ahead of his time. An Exceptional Loonie leaps so far ahead he winds up being right on time. Thoreau Lee Loonie was right on time. I think Ray V. Loonie is right on time.

Socialism here we come
on the road to perdition
life will never be the same
socialism here we come.

My fellow compatriots,

I’ve been taking a lot of heat lately over my stance on death. My opponents have viciously attacked our revolutionary Comprehensive Universal Anti-Involuntary Expiration Act. They call me crazy - suggest I’m an imbecile. They say: It’s impossible; it can’t be done.

Have you heard what Reprehensible candidate Maxwell Fine said recently? He said:

“You can’t outlaw death. That’s like telling a dog not to…, uh, no…, it’s like telling a fish not to swim or a bird not to fly. Something like that.”

That’s exactly what he said. I heard him. Then he said:

“Besides, if anyone has the experience and character required to eradicate death, it’s me. I’m certainly much more qualified to carry on this fight.”

Now friends, I’m not a blithering idiot (though I’m not so sure about Max Fine). I certainly know that you can’t just pass a law and say no one will die. But I also must apologize. I let my personal concept of death cloud my rhetoric. The way I see things, the Good Book allocates each of us 70 years. After that, it isn’t dying, it’s just that your time is up. If you live beyond 70, you consider yourself fortunate. You’ve won some bonus time in the video game of life.

That’s how I think. However, for legislative purposes, I have modified that number. A lot of people these days live well beyond 70, many past 100. My research has led me to 80 years as a reasonable, universal expectation in today’s world. So to clarify things I have already retitled the bill. It shall now be the Comprehensive Universal Anti-Involuntary Premature Expiration Act. It’s purpose is to assure everyone at least 80 years of life.

So what is premature expiration?

Dying before the age of 80.

How do we prevent it?

This legislation will not eradicate death. What it will do is enable us to take the steps necessary to eliminate all forms of preventable death, and it will require us to aggressively fund and promote the research and development needed to assure that we all reach our 80 year expiration date. Within 20 years we expect to be able to make revisions, raising the age of maturity to 100, perhaps higher.

Now as to experience…, well you know me folks. I’ve been just about everywhere that’s anywhere, done just about everything that’s anything. Besides, this is not a question of what I’ll do. It’s what we’ll do. I’m simply your partner and spokesman. Now ol’ Max Fine must be pretty tough indeed if he’s goin’ to wallop Mr. Death all by hisself.

Finally, I would like to make another apology. A couple weeks ago I unveiled the LOOPIER plan and outlined the first of four parts. Since then, distractions have delayed release of the remaining three sections. I apologize for the delay. If I had time today, I’d go over part two with you right now. It would make sense since the CUA-IPE Act and LOOPIER part two augment and support each other. But as I said, I haven’t the time. I do promise you this: I will bring you parts two, three, and four over the next six days. Have FAITH.

Remember: If you believe - everything is possible.

So vote for me, Raymond V. Loonie, to be your next president.

≈

A Loonie vote is a vote for Long Life

International Consolidated Unified Press (ICUP)
BENT SPOON, Nebraska - An already simmering campaign got a lot hotter this week after a local radio-host made some comments at a Reprehensible Party fundraiser that apparently offended presidential hopeful Senator Raymond V. Loonie.

Loonie is the outspoken third-party campaigner running on the Incomprehensible Party ticket.

Last night, the Reprehensible Party held a fundraising “pig-roast and corn feed.” The master of ceremonies for the event was Bent Spoon’s own, popular and irrepressible morning radio drive-guy, “Loopy” Lenny Lipschitz. During his monologue, Lipschitz spent most of his time making jokes about the opposition, and then generally disparaged each of the other candidates in turn. Most of his comments, in fact, were directed at the Dysfunctional Party in general without reference to any candidate.

Loonie’s ire was raised when Lenny, while making comments about dealing with terrorists, and godless enemies, repeatedly referred to the Incomprehensible candidate, in a clearly derogatory tone, as “Ray Vingh Loonie.”

“This is fear-baiting and hate-mongering of the worst sort,” Loonie exploded during this morning’s press conference. “This is already all over the internet, and the purpose of using my middle name in such a manner is obvious.”

For months now, many political pundits have suggested that Loonie hasn’t got a chance because too many people think he’s hindu, or muslim, or buddhist, or taoist, or something. Loonie, of course, has repeatedly denied these claims.

“Let me make this perfectly clear,” Loonie proclaimed. “I have a deep and abiding faith in GOD. I am not buddhist, hindu, or urdu. I am a devout, reverent, lifelong Ecumenicist.”

Loonie also charged Lipschlitz with slanderously defiling his good name with suggestions of drug-use.

“I’ve had more than enough of this vile, baseless slander I keep hearing,” yelled Loonie. “Comments like, ‘What you been smokin’, man?’ and ‘What’re you on? Can I have some?’ have got to stop. I have never ever used, and never ever will use, any recreational drugs.”

“In fact,” Loonie continued, “aside from an occasional glass of celebratory or spiritual communal wine, I don’t take anything, prescription or otherwise, with but one exception. I do take my daily Placebo™. You should too. I feel fine. You can feel fine too; with Placebo™.”

Representatives of the Dysfunctional and Reprehensible parties said they were not prepared, at this time, to make any statements concerning the incident or Senator Loonie’s response.

“Loopy” Lenny Lipschitz’ only comment was: “Huh? I didn’t know I was using his name.”

Socialism here we come
on the road to perdition
life will never be the same
socialism here we come.

My fellow compatriots,

For decades the fatcats in Washington have been lining their own pockets at our expense. They squeeze us to subsidize the big corporations and lending institutions while occasionally throwing us a bone to keep us quiet. They claim that as long as the rich get richer we’ll all do great.

This is called the tinkle down theory.

My friends, you’ve been hoodwinked. The truth is, while the rich get richer, you get pee.

That is why I am announcing today part one of the Loonie Overall Opportunity Plan for Inclusive Economic Recovery; a four-part program that will give everyone a winning ticket in the lottery of life.

Housing Opportunities Provided for Everyone

Now we’ve all heard about the home mortgage crisis. Many of you have already been foreclosed upon, and many more will soon suffer the same fate. Construction is down. Home values are down. The entire economy is faltering.

How did this happen? Greed.

For years now unscrupulous moneylenders have been writing loans they knew you couldn’t repay. They knew this time would come, but they also knew that when it did their buddies in Washington would bail them out. Thus giving them back the money they ”rightfully earned.” Plus they get a bonus. They get your home.

So what have the fatcats in Washington done to try to fix the situation? Well first they threw us a bone, something for us to chew on while they go about their real business of saving the rich. This bone is called economic stimulus. They’re going to send us each a few hundred dollars so we can go out and spend it at the corporate stores. Meanwhile, the Federal Reserve just announced that it is going to pump $200 billion into the financial market. In other words, you get a pittance while all those greedy bankers and moneylenders rake it in.

Now it seems to me, if they really wanted to help you, they would use all that money to pay-off your mortgage so you could keep your home. No, that would be too complicated. Easier to just give it to the rich folks and let it tinkle down.

I think this is wrong. In part one of my LOOPIER program, Housing Opportunities Provided for Everyone, we will correct, once and for all, this inequitable situation. When we’re done, everyone will have equity. How will we do this?

1.  Return all foreclosed homes to their rightful owners.
2.  Issue new mortgages to these homeowners with payment plans they can afford.
3.  Implement an aggressive housing contruction program that will give everyone the opportunity to own their own home.

When I’m elected, my friends, the bankers and moneylenders will be working for us, not the other way around. You can rest assured, as your president I’ll grab those fatcats by the ankles and shake’em good. Then we’ll see some real tinkle down economics.

So vote for me, Senator Raymond V. Loonie, to be your next president.

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A Loonie vote is a vote for HOPE

Socialism here we come
on the road to perdition
life will never be the same
socialism here we come.

My fellow compatriots,

Today I wish to speak to you, straight from the heart, about something that is very important to me. I’m sure it’s important to you, too.

As most of you know, my mother Lulu died several years ago. Let me tell you, that hurt. Hurt a lot. I still hurt. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her and wish she were here.

Now I’m sure some of you also have mothers. Maybe most of you. A few of you probably even have mothers that died. And if not a mother, at one time or another all of us have suffered the trauma caused by the loss of a dear friend or loved one. You know how much that can hurt.

My dear friends; you know me. You know I’m not afraid to grapple with tough issues, to fight the fight that no one else will fight.

Well tonight, my friends, I’m proclaiming my intention to fight, fight right up to my final breath if need be, the biggest, baddest fight of my long and illustrious political fighting career.

There are a few issues in Washington that have long been referred to as “the third rail of politics.” This is one of those. Few politicians have ever even broached the subject among fellow confidants in smoke-filled back rooms, much less make it a cause celebre’. But that is exactly what I do tonight. I shall walk the tightrope known as third rail and hope to not fall off.

And yet, why should this be such a difficult issue to tussle? Is not the right to life fundamental to our way of life? Is it not emblazoned across our collective consciousness just as surely as it is the foremost of human rights set forth in our beloved Declaration of Independence?

Therefore be it known my friends, my compatriots, tonight I make to you this solemn promise:

If I’m elected president, I will fight ceaselessly, tirelessly; and with your help push through the legislative morass a bill to enact The Comprehensive Universal Anti-Involuntary Expiration Act.

That’s right, folks. Together we’re going to outlaw death.

CAN WE DO IT? – YES WE CAN!

So vote for me, Raymond V. Loonie, to be your next president.

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A Loonie vote is a vote for Life

Socialism here we come
on the road to perdition
life will never be the same
socialism here we come.

My fellow compatriots,

It’s time we faced some hard truths, put our differences aside, and do what we have to do to save the planet.

We all know, we’ve heard it all our lives, the earth is shrinking. As many have warned us over the last 60 years, it’s getting to be a pretty small world. And the top experts on the subject all agree. The earth is losing mass at an ever-increasing rate. Recent studies, using the most sophisticated modeling programs, have shown that if we do nothing the planet will lose 10% of its current mass over the next 50 years. Even more alarming, in 100 years the earth will have shrunk to nearly half its current size.

So what’s the problem? Global spinning, specifically, man-made global spinning. There is total consensus on this. The debate is over. Planetary scientists around the world are in total agreement. Astronomers report more and more debris floating off into space. A person weighing 200 pounds in iceland tips the scales at 190 pounds on the equator. Believe me, global spinning is for real.

Let me try to explain what has happened, and is happening, in a way that will make sense.

The planet earth has been spinning on its axis for billions of years. This spinning creates centrifugal force that tends to fling matter away. Until very recent history, this spinning has maintained a fragile balance between mass leaving the planet and mass arriving, mainly as meteorites. Cosmologists and planetary scientists tell us that the rotation of the planet, up until about 150 years ago, has actually been steadily slowing down. This natural slowing of earth’s spin coincides with a steady reduction of incoming mass. Like vacuum cleaners tidying up the solar system, all the planets have been sucking up debris for billions of years and so there is not as much falling to earth as there was before. About 100 years ago the spin stopped slowing and began accelerating.

So what happened 150 years ago to reverse this trend and upset the delicate balance?

The answer is: We happened. People. Teeming masses of humanity on their inexorable drive for progress.

You see, it’s a matter of friction. Think of it as a treadmill. You walk on a treadmill and the tread goes the opposite direction. The faster you go the faster it goes. Experts tell us that, until after the invention of the steam engine, our friction footprint on the planet was negligible. When all you’ve got going on is a bunch of animals, including humans, walking or running in every which direction, the impact is negligible. As human populations grew, and started moving around less randomly, the potential impact grew, though not enough to cause any real problems.

With the invention of the steam engine came powered locomotion. This is when the trouble really started. First there were trains, then automobiles. In the blink of an eye, geologically speaking, we went from a few pedestrians to a global population moving large masses at high speed. Friction increased enormously, and due to our proclivities for driving everywhere, the United States of America has been by far the leading contributor to friction-induced global spinning. That’s why it’s up to us to lead the way in solving this crisis.

Now skeptics of human friction-induced global spinning have argued that with everybody going every which way, what difference does it make. It will all balance out. They even tried to trivialize the issue with the simplistic example of two people on a treadmill walking the opposite direction. They’d laugh and say, all that would happen is they’d both fall down.

They weren’t laughing, however, when it was proved that their silly argument actually illustrated what is really happening. You see, with two people on a treadmill, one will always be stronger than the other and the tread will ultimately go in the opposite direction of the stronger walker. That’s essentially what’s happening to earth.

Decades of transportation and population movement studies have shown a significant average friction loading spinward. In other words, at any given moment, more people are moving west than are moving east. This is what’s causing the earth’s increased spin and subsequent shrinking.

Luckily, there is something we can do. I have a plan that will stabilize the spin-rate in five years; and bring it back to the 1950 level within 20 years.

If elected president, I will immediately set into motion a three-phase plan that will forever solve the problem of friction-loading and catastrophic global spinning.

1. Immediately call for worldwide cooperation to fight global spinning, including close cooperation with the United Nations Council on Global Spin Control.

2. Get a bill passed within my first 50 days as president that will: change the speed limit on all westbound lanes of Interstate and U.S. highways to 30 mph, provide incentives for states to enact similar provisions, and offer a collection of incentives to encourage people to travel eastward while discouraging westward movement. If you have to go but you can’t go east, then go north or south, not west.

3. Within 15 years construct two “global propulsion facilities” on yet-to-be-determined equatorial islands. Once constructed, these propulsion facilities (probably giant jet engines) will allow full global spin control, thereby eliminating any future occurence of global shrinking.

So vote for me, Senator Raymond V. Loonie, to be your next president.

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A Loonie vote is a vote for Spin Control.

Socialism here we come
on the road to perdition
life will never be the same
socialism here we come.

My fellow compatriots,

If I’m elected president, I will immediately implement my new Free Lunch for at-risk Americans Program. This program will not only ensure a healthy America, it will stimulate the economy, create 500,000 new jobs, and help to slow the growth-rate of income inequality which has risen to the highest levels since 1929.

Here’s how it works:

We start by creating attractive tax/subsidy incentives for all restaurants that devote at least 50% of their menu (between 8 am and 4 pm) to government-approved “healthy lunch” choices.

Then, we encourage at-risk Americans, those with incomes below $25,000/year, to go to any “approved” restaurant daily between 8 am and 4 pm to get a Free Lunch.

At the same time, we require everyone earning more than $50,000/year to go out for lunch (between 8 am and 4 pm) at an ”approved” restaurant four days a week. While there, those with income between $50,000 and $100,000 must buy a “healthy lunch” for one at-risk American. Those earning $100,000 to $1 million must buy lunch for three. Anyone earning more than $1 million annually must buy lunch for 10.

This program will ensure that all Americans have the opportunity to eat at least one healthy meal each day, which will save $800 million/year in health care costs and virtually eliminate malnutrition overnight. It will also be a great stimulator of job-creation in the entire food service industry. Conservative estimates predict at least 500,000 new jobs nationally. Finally, this program will save low-income Americans $1,000 each and repair some of the damage caused by unfair tax-cuts given to the wealthiest Americans.

So vote for me, Senator Raymond V. Loonie, to be your next president.

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A Loonie vote is a vote for Lunch.