Twenty things to do on Earthday

Earthday: A day set aside to thank Planet Gaia for her hospitality, apologize for the empty beer cans and overflowing ashtrays cluttering up the place, and promise to clear out as soon as we can get everybody on the bus.

On this Earthday, we should all do our part to show our love for dear old Mother Gaia. That’s why I’ve prepared this list of 20 things you can do to celebrate Earthday.

1. Wear a “Stop Global Warming” t-shirt to show your awareness of global warming.
2. Give every tree you see a big hug.
3. Stick pinwheels in your hat to show your support for renewable energy.
4. Strip naked and spend the day with the bears and wolves to demonstrate your love of all Gaia’s creatures.
5. Go to a church and explain to the congregation that humanity does not hold dominion over the Earth.
6. Take a pee behind a tree to reconnect with nature’s flow.
7. Drive your dad’s rusty old, smoke belching Delta 88 in the local Earthday Parade to symbolize the destruction wrought by the internal combustion engine.
8. Leave some food out for the mice and cockroaches to acknowledge their right to be here too.
9. Use eco-friendly candles on your Earthday cake.
10. Enter a wet t-shirt contest wearing your “Stop Global Warming” t-shirt to stimulate awareness in others.
11. Sabotage a pipeline to show your intolerance for wholesale industrial destruction of the environment.
12. Hold a public hunger strike to make the point that eating makes you an accessory to murder.
13. Lobby congress to make Earthday a national holiday.
14. Streak a NASCAR race to protest the wanton exploitation of Earth’s precious resources.
15. Exhale into a very large balloon all day to dramatize how much carbon dioxide each human contributes to global warming.
16. Release all the animals from the local zoo to foster a spirit of interspecies understanding.
17. Organize a global sing-along of Happy Earthday.
18. Peel-off your wet t-shirt and give it to the first guy who says “your t-shirt has really stimulated my awareness.”
19. Lie quietly in your cave to minimize your impact on the environment.
20. Donate all your worldly possessions to Algore so he can save the planet with his slide show.

Happy Earthday Mama G.

Phil